There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
