If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Randomize
