i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
