Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
