Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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