all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
