She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
