I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
