My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
