Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize