i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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