You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
