That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Randomize
