thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
