We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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