I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
