She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
