I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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