He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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