this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
