I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
