so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
