This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
