that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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