I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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