she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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