Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
