Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
