dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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