Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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