My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
