Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
