There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
