I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
