If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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