It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
