That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
