when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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