why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
did i just pee glitter
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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