Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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