I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
