So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
