i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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