Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
