yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
