I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
