saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
