if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
