good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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