now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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