I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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