I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
