Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
