apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
