Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
