Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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