Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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