you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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